I'm so fucking centered right now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
