If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
