you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
