If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
