You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
