You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Randomize
