You made me cry and you don't even care
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
