I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i came on her dog
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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