new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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