i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
