You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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