Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
