Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
