I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
