the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
