New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
