you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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