sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
