Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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