i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
