Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
