my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
