dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
