mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
