I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I supernannyed him into submission
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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