I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
