so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
