Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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