my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
