Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
