I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
