I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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