4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
