Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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