the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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