It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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