What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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