I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
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Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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