so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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