I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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