it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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