ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize