He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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