somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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