im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
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