I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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