i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
