Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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