I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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