I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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