Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
