pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
