Umm I'm too high to move.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
