literally had 100 drinks last night.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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