walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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