I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
soo... how was my night?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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