you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
