I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize