she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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