I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
